Going to Sleep

and when I wake up, I'll have it a milestone! I've already planned a kind of secret celebration for tomorrow night, going out for drinks and a movie with friends under the guise of just normal hanging out fun. In actuality I'm thinking of it as a kind of celebration for my accomplishment, even if no one else knows. Gotta reward myself for hitting 6 months somehow. I'm so afraid that I'll have an unbearable urge to slip tomorrow. Just gotta push through

Here's a reminder of beauty

Problems of a double identity

Already had my first slip with this two blogs thing and accidently posted using this identity on a blog I visit. In a panic I deleated this blog as well as the post, but it seems that she won't be able to tell who deleated a comment, so I'm okay. Just had this panic that everyone who reads her blog (And mine) would suddenly know my secret. Ugh....so stressful.

I've got to be aware of which identity I'm signed into, unless I want the entire world to know.

My New Blog

To go along with the fact that I seem to have two selves, the one everyone sees and the secret, struggling self, It seems to make sense that I now have two blogs. I'm hoping that no one from that one ever stumbles over here, as this isn't something that I want that part of my world to discover, but as this blog is strictly anonymous, hopefully it won't really matter one way or the other.

I've created this blog because I'm in a current struggle with Self-Injury as a coping method for dealing with my life. I have been actively trying to quit since October 27, 2005, with moderate success, but a number of slips. The last of these slips occurred on February 15, 2007, or exactly six months ago come tomorrow. Before this stretch, my longest period of going without hurting myself was 5 months and 2 days. Reaching 6 months has been a goal of mine for a very long time, and honestly seemed quite impossible initially. However, I've made loads of progress in the last almost two years, and am a much happier and more balanced person than I used to be. Still, sometimes it's a daily struggle to not fail and give up my streak. Around 'anniversaries' things get especially tough, and the desire for self sabotoge is huge. Another hard thing is that I've recently moved, and I just don't have anyone to turn to to help me keep myself safe. I should be able to handle it myself, but sometimes I just feel like I can't. It's a very helpless feeling to know that you feel trapped and there's nothing to be done.

For the most part, the few friends I have here thing I'm happy, as my friend put it, "all the time". It's funny how I can hide this almost constant struggle with depression so well. And sometimes, I really am genuinely happy. I love enjoying life and try to achieve that mentally as often as humanly possible. But sometimes life gets to be far too much.

This blog currently has a very specific and immediate purpose: to get me to tomorrow without hurting myself. Ideally after that I'll strive for seven months and then eight and so on, but for now, one day will be hard enoubh. I feel like I'm being pulled apart by the world and am losing my center and my focus.

I really wish I could share with my friends that I struggle with this, but we just don't have that kind of relationship, at least for now.

I might do more posts later (not sure that anyone will ever find this to read either, so this might be a null and void point) but I think I want to try to end every post I can with something positive.

Today is a beautiful day and I have a space to myself where I can be alone and process life